It is March 2019. Joe and I just celebrated our 11 year anniversary. It is crazy even writing the words out. Us a couple of young kids have now successful navigated marriage for 11 years. I was 19 and he was 21. We met at BYUH university. He pushed canoes and I danced. It sounds so much more romantic now when I think back on it. We were children. No really I cannot believe how 'grown up' we thought we were making these big life decisions, but I am so grateful for it. I'm finally starting to appreciate and understand when people talk about starting from the bottom together.
Sometimes, many times we sit and plan for the future and talk about what we will do when this comes up or that comes up. Mostly we talk about giving ourselves grace because we are raising our five little ones... Not so little. 10, almost 8, almost 7, almost 5 and almost 2. The 10 and 8 are head scratching but the 5 and 2 we have been there. They don't scare us anymore. We can do temper tantrums without blinking and I can put overtired babies down and leave the room. No- it's the 10 and 8 that makes us question a lot. Make us try harder, be better and ultimately laugh over our statements about being kind to the oldest. Even as the oldest it is not always easy to give leeway.
This year I told Hinalei about sex. About how a man and woman make a baby. We talked about periods and body changes - both in men and women. We talked about modesty and WHY. I still remember the talks I had with my mum. It feels like a second ago and now I am teaching and helping my own daughter to learn about what is coming - what's next. She said it was gross and she wished she hadn't heard it but I can see she is matured, she is processing it - trying to frame it what her 10-year-old world.
I wish I was my 19-year-old positive self still. I struggle with it so much. Where did she go? I think it is the internet's fault. So much negativity, opinions and voices. 11 years ago Facebook was still unknown and I only cared about the opinion of friends I would see on a daily basis. Now I see opinions from someone in Texas influence someone in Perth, Australia. They will never meet. She will never have a conversation with her but she is allowed to say something. It is messed up and I don't think it is doing anyone any good.
I'm not ungrateful but I do wish (think) I would like somethings (read house) to be better or a full-time position. My husband has been a temporary employee for 6 months. That means no sick leave, no holidays, no annual leave. No time off for ballet or concerts or school assemblies. It's rough but thankfully it is a team effort. I miss seeing him sometimes because we are in a busy season of life now with our 5. I'm glad for the Gospel of Jesus Christ to still be in my life, our life. I can't imagine doing this marriage thing, children thing, one budget thing without Him. Last year the Youth Theme for our church had a song and one line was my favourite and I would sing it to myself over and over when the voices of the world were too loud "When theirs no peace on earth, there is peace in Christ!"
